Is Adoptee Trauma Real?
The existence of adoption-related trauma is a hot topic. But should it be?
Is adoptee trauma real? Opinions cover the spectrum depending on who you ask. For the millions of adoptees who live with the repercussions of adoption everyday, it's very real. But, if you were to ask most adoptive parents, a powerful adoption agency with skin in the game, your average Joe with only the traditional narrative to draw from, or one of the fortunate adoptees who aren't negatively affected by the process, then you're likely to get a very different answer, either gravely minimizing or denying altogether the existence of adoptee trauma..
The widespread skepticism of its reality does not erase the agony millions of adoptees experience in its grip. This lack of acknowledgement and validation harms adoptees, as we do not receive nor feel the support we need to properly grieve our losses and heal from our traumas. Relatively few therapists are trained in adoption-related issues, and very little exists in curricula for doctors (even pediatricians), counselors, social workers, and teachers. Adoptees are crying for help yet society does not support us, and many people do not even believe us.
Every adoption stems from a trauma - a primal loss of the natural bond between mother and child. This fact is undeniable. This loss exists even in the best adoption experience. However, many adoptees face subsequent traumas, such as feeling different because of being adopted, rejection from siblings or extended family, loss of one's heritage and culture, and rejection in reunion, among many others. This doesn’t even include the bad adoptions, in which adoptive parents fail to bond with the child, abuse the child, and even rehome the child like a pet.
Supporting the Existence of Adoptee Trauma
Adults are increasingly speaking out about our lived experiences, which often contradict the mainstream narrative of what our experience "should'' be. We are mobilizing against that narrative because we're tired of the misconceptions, and even blatant untruths. We need support and are fighting for change. Unlike adoptive parents and agencies, adoptees have nothing personally to profit from speaking out, and it often comes at a great cost - it often costs us relationships with our adoptive families, who may have been our main allies. Adoptees would not be recounting our painful experiences if they weren't the truth. This fact alone should be proof enough, but it's not.
Still, further proof lies in research into the existence, causes of, and treatments for adoption-related trauma. I have not read every book or study, but I have yet to find one disproving that adoption-related trauma exists. Rather, each new published work adds to the growing body of literature that overwhelmingly supports what adoptees have been screaming for years: adoption-related trauma is real.
Evidence aside, adoption-related trauma should be obvious. In any other scenario in which an infant is separated from its mother, such as maternal illness or death, we sympathize. We are even moved when an animal loses its mother. But, the label of "adoption" has masked the tragedy of what really happens. While an adoptee can go on to develop a meaningful relationship with their adoptive parents, they still experienced the loss of their natural parents. Infant adoptees lose the only safety they had known their entire nine-month existence, which from the infant’s perspective is no different than a death. That’s a traumatic loss.
The Resistance
Despite the testimonies from adoptees, a growing body of evidence, and pure logic, some still rebut the existence of adoption-related trauma.
Most draw their assumptions from the traditional narrative, which is firmly rooted in our culture and society. It's difficult, if not impossible, for one voice to overcome the rarely disputed mainstream messages regarding adoption. Challenging widespread, long-held beliefs tends to be met with resistance, and adoption is no different. Some cling desperately to their beliefs, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But, the unwillingness of others to hear us, believe us, and change their views does not alter nor negate our lived experiences.
Some "know" an adoptee who is fine (to their knowledge). However, few people, adopted or not, openly broadcast their most intimate struggles for friends and acquaintances to know. It’s not right to expect this from an adoptee and then judge their experience based on their silence. Adoptees in general are not a group to openly share our losses and traumas anyway, especially with people we do not feel safe with. It's often difficult to even admit this to ourselves. The preverbal nature of our trauma stifles our ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The fact that an adoptee does not speak about their trauma does not mean they do not experience it, even if they haven't consciously connected it to their adoption.
Others point to the shortage of scientific studies. However, no research happens overnight, and like any newly recognized problem, research verifying the observations that prompted it takes time. We should focus not on the quantity of existing research, but look at what that research is telling us: the growing body of literature reiterates the message adoptees are sending. There is no magic number of studies that must be performed or papers written before a point is officially proven. We can choose to believe what's there, or focus on what isn't at the expense of adoptees.
While we wait on science to catch up, we could listen with an open mind and heart to the adoptees who are sharing their lived experiences. While many may listen to the words that adoptees say, they don't truly hear and believe us. Or, in the rare cases that they do, it's written off as an outlier or a "bad adoption." While parents can certainly add to their child's trauma, causes of adoption-related trauma are multi-faceted and often have little or nothing to do with the adoptive parents. Even in the best adoptions, trauma is inherent.
Bottom line: No one has the right to question another person's lived experience, no matter what their personal beliefs are. To the millions of adoptees who live with it everyday, adoption-related trauma is very real and valid.